First impressions first: There is nothing quite as schlocky as an NBA game presentation, other than perhaps a European rendition of an NBA game presentation.
It’s not the crowd — the basketball patrons here seem hip enough. They understand the rules and applaud or moan at the right intervals. It’s just that sometime during the last few years, a marketing guy decided they must address the patrons like they’re 6-year-olds at a circus.
The PA guy here sounds like he’s recreating Bill Murray’s old lounge singer act.
And the mono-maniacally cheerful timeout MC sounds exactly like his American counterparts, only with a thick Jamaican accent.
But at least we’ve always had the game, right? We’ll always have Paris. So we can always live with the artificial noise.
Only sometimes you can’t even call the game itself a saving virtue, even around here, where honest competition is supposed to be all that matters.
Which is not easy to admit, lest we risk expulsion from the One True Sporting Church.
The thought does not go away that unless Spain or Argentina pull a Villanova and literally stun the world in the next few weeks, this anticipated walkover for the NBA All-Stars — or as they are known, Team USA — is going to be an authentic walkover.
And while this might be the wrong time to ask this question, we’ll do it anyway: Where is the fun in that, exactly?
They opened with a 98-71 pummelling against a group of Frenchmen composed of a half-blind Tony Parker, Nicolas Batum with his aching back, something with the size and agility of a Winnebago named Boris Diaw, and a rotation loaded with D-League talent.
We’ll spare you the details, other than to remind you that France is the third- or fourth-best team in this tournament, and it was out of this first-round game as soon as Kevin Durant and his friends hit six homers in the second period; and that by halftime, the only drama was whether Mike Krzyzewski would play somebody more than three minutes before spinning his rotation’s irritating revolving door again.
“We’re used to that,” Russell Westbrook said of the three-and-out (slight exaggeration) Coach K employed. “We know what we need to do to win. We’re not here for ourselves, we’re here for USA.”
This was clear by the apparel that sported as they sashayed along the rope line, all of them wearing gray shirts that read “United States of America” in block letters under the Nike swoosh.
But stylistically, it was also a bust — not entirely their fault, because the refs called 52 fouls and rewarded 65 free throws. It made you thankful that the quarters are only 10 minutes long — though it took 32 minutes in real time just to get through the first period (NBA 22, France 21).
“From here on out, if that’s how it’s gonna be officiated, we have to live with it,” said Carmelo Anthony, who rebounded well and looked in midseason form by flinging 10 shots in 16 minutes. “We know everyone expects us to win by 20 or 30 or 40, but at the end of the day a win is a win.”
He shrugged. They all shrugged.
And on the other side, there was this grudging consensus: “They’re going to be very, very tough to beat,” said Parker.
Poor Tony is about five weeks removed from having shards of glass penetrate “99 percent of my left eye,” after wandering into the middle of a nightclub brawl involving careless rich people. He was probably the best point guard in the NBA in 2011-12, but this American team made him disappear like smoke — 10 points on 11 shots and four turnovers in 26 minutes.
He’s also wearing some wraparound goggles, which makes him look like an amphibious Clark Kent.
Speaking of Superman, the one guy who seemed preoccupied with efficiency was LeBron James, who was showing the most frustration during the first half — consulting twice with referees over their excessive tweets, slapping himself in the noggin a few times, shaking his head at some misplays.
We surmised that these histrionics were because he’s the only one who cares about perfection, which — given the month they spent on preparation, and the dough they spent on sunscreen — is what this team might as well strive for.
“We didn’t play a perfect game — turnovers, too many fouls,” James said. “So we have room for improvement.”
So the mix was weird, the execution was ragged — but it’s still a glimpse of NBA basketball, and not everyone on this side of the pond gets to see it. It’s just a shame they won’t get to see NBA competition between two NBA teams, unless something extraordinary happens.
And if it doesn’t, we still have that MC during the timeouts, spreading his relentless joy around the temporary arena.
At one point, he introduced the crowd to the kiss cam — even demonstrating it with some female usher, though something tells you he didn’t have to explain it twice to a largely French audience.
The vapid couple they targeted first didn’t quite get it — they kept staring back at the camera, their smiles plastered in place. They looked like they were having fun, or maybe they felt it was being forced on them.
Sometimes, we know the feeling.
